My 3 Year Warranty Is Up

Well folks, I'm afraid it's time. Yes, THAT time. Let me explain.

My family has a history of colon cancer. My mother and father both have had bouts with it and it caused my mother's death in 1998. She had no idea there was a problem, became totally obstructed (no explanation needed, I hope) and when they opened her up, discovered the cancer. It was completely blocking her intestines and had also spread to an ovary. It was a complete shock to all of us because the doctors believed that she had some sort of disorder that only females get and they insisted on doing the surgery at Women's & Children's Hospital (a facility reserved for such female problems). Anyway, my mom fought a tough battle, but the disease was just too advanced for her to defeat. Less than two years after her death, my father found out during a routine colonoscopy that he also had colon cancer. We couldn't believe it. The odds of losing both parents to the same disease are extremely long. However, they caught dad's case early, did surgery, he did some chemotherapy and is completely recovered from it - Thank God!

So, each of us five children made a promise to each other that we would get screened regularly, starting right then. I had a colonoscopy in 2001, which was clear and another in 2006, where they discovered one non-cancerous polyp. However, the doctors say that polyps can become cancerous tumors, so they removed it during the procedure, tested it, and found it was not malignant. So, since they found a polyp last time, I had to return in three years for another screening. THIS IS THE YEAR! So, next Tuesday I will, as they say, get the hose.

Although completely humiliating for a man, the procedure really isn't that big of a deal. The prep that is required the day before IS A BIG DEAL. For toilet paper companies. They have you drink an 8oz glass of this "liquid" every 15 minutes until it is completely gone. It normally takes you 2-3 hours to drink all of the stuff. By glass 4 or 5, you are basically a human fire hose. First of all, the stuff tastes like what I would imagine Prestone anti-freeze would taste like. And, whatever this concoction includes, has the ability to cause your colon to scream EVERYBODY GET THE F#&% OUT !!! And it obeys the order, I can vouch for that. You can't eat anything for over 24 hours, so by the time the procedure is over, you are ready to eat a whole chicken, without killing or removing the feathers. A favorite comedian, Robert Schimmel, said it right when the doctor inserted the probe and asked him if he felt any pressure. "I TASTE METAL!!" They do give you sedation drugs, if you want them, which I do. But, my body has a strong tolerance to these drugs, so they will probably have to give me the same dosage of stuff that they put horses down with.

Wish me luck. If I make it through the procedure and the doctor and I don't end up engaged, I'll be around late that afternoon to report the results.

See y'all tomorrow!