Well folks, I'm afraid it's time. Yes, THAT time. Let me explain.
My family has a history of colon cancer. My mother and father both have had bouts with it and it caused my mother's death in 1998. She had no idea there was a problem, became totally obstructed (no explanation needed, I hope) and when they opened her up, discovered the cancer. It was completely blocking her intestines and had also spread to an ovary. It was a complete shock to all of us because the doctors believed that she had some sort of disorder that only females get and they insisted on doing the surgery at Women's & Children's Hospital (a facility reserved for such female problems). Anyway, my mom fought a tough battle, but the disease was just too advanced for her to defeat. Less than two years after her death, my father found out during a routine colonoscopy that he also had colon cancer. We couldn't believe it. The odds of losing both parents to the same disease are extremely long. However, they caught dad's case early, did surgery, he did some chemotherapy and is completely recovered from it - Thank God!
So, each of us five children made a promise to each other that we would get screened regularly, starting right then. I had a colonoscopy in 2001, which was clear and another in 2006, where they discovered one non-cancerous polyp. However, the doctors say that polyps can become cancerous tumors, so they removed it during the procedure, tested it, and found it was not malignant. So, since they found a polyp last time, I had to return in three years for another screening. THIS IS THE YEAR! So, next Tuesday I will, as they say, get the hose.
Although completely humiliating for a man, the procedure really isn't that big of a deal. The prep that is required the day before IS A BIG DEAL. For toilet paper companies. They have you drink an 8oz glass of this "liquid" every 15 minutes until it is completely gone. It normally takes you 2-3 hours to drink all of the stuff. By glass 4 or 5, you are basically a human fire hose. First of all, the stuff tastes like what I would imagine Prestone anti-freeze would taste like. And, whatever this concoction includes, has the ability to cause your colon to scream EVERYBODY GET THE F#&% OUT !!! And it obeys the order, I can vouch for that. You can't eat anything for over 24 hours, so by the time the procedure is over, you are ready to eat a whole chicken, without killing or removing the feathers. A favorite comedian, Robert Schimmel, said it right when the doctor inserted the probe and asked him if he felt any pressure. "I TASTE METAL!!" They do give you sedation drugs, if you want them, which I do. But, my body has a strong tolerance to these drugs, so they will probably have to give me the same dosage of stuff that they put horses down with.
Wish me luck. If I make it through the procedure and the doctor and I don't end up engaged, I'll be around late that afternoon to report the results.
See y'all tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Another I can't 'effin believe it weekend
I hate to post a second day in a row on the same person (subject), but I just have to today. Bear with me please.
Had a couple of buddies over to the house on Saturday evening, just kicking back having a few drinks and grilling some food. My buddy Lou was one of the visitors. Well, Lou has had a few incidents at my house where he seems to forget where the bathrooms in my house are located. This tends to occur in the wee hours of the night, after I have retired to bed and left him alone in the bar to listen to his kind of music and more beer consumption. First off, Lou did not eat anything that we grilled. Warning number one. Secondly, he tends to overdo it with the drinking and he also smokes pot, which I do not participate in. Don't mind if they do, but it's not my thing, so I steer clear of such activities.
Now back to the incidents and Lou. Lou has previously ruined one of my DIRECTV receivers by pissing over/into it. He has also pissed in the floor of the bar and fallen asleep (passed out) merely inches from the puddle. Well, that last incident caused me to give him a warning that I just can't have him marking his territory INSIDE MY DAMN HOUSE!! Both he and Skip stayed over because they had partied a good bit and had no business driving - no problem, I have room for them to stay. Lou apparently had to piss a couple of times during the night. I discovered just where he pissed on Sunday morning when I woke up, went downstairs and found him asleep, LYING IN A PUDDLE OF HIS OWN URINE in the bar floor. I went into the laundry room and grabbed a couple of old towels and went back in and threw them on the puddle and just left him there with it. However, when I was in the laundry room, I just happened to glimpse over to where my cat's litter box is located and noticed a huge spot of piss in the box. Now, Max is a pretty big cat, but he would have had to piss his own body weight in order to produce THAT MUCH PISS. Yep, you guessed it, Lou pissed in Max's litter box. Yeah, he made it to a toilet on a technicality, but seeing as the litter box is less than 10 feet from THE ACTUAL TOILET, makes that technicality claim worthless. So, Lou is now barred from spending the night for a while. From now on, he will have to sleep in his car in the driveway if he gets too carried away.
Question: What makes a large woman feel that it's ok to go out in public (Wal-Mart) without wearing any kind of breast support and a filthy t-shirt? Saw a woman who was nowhere near "fit" walking from the parking lot to the store and her breasticles where pointing due South and ended somewhere between her belly-button and her belt. Friggin' GROSS!! Goddamn lady, put those bastards in some kinda harness next time. I'm gonna throw up just thinking about it.
Speaking of Wal-Mart, what is up with their new store layout? Between the cash registers and where the merchandise actually starts, there is literally enough room to play a regulation game of rugby. Damn, that's a helluva lot of space! I almost felt embarrassed, pushing a cart through that area. I felt like I was on display myself.
Mouse/rat update. I'm pretty sure I've deep-sixed the bastard(s). They have been eating the hell out of the poison I put out and I don't hear shit at night now. Checked this morning and none of it has been touched. So apparently, they've had their "fill".
By the way, my next-door neighbor, his wife and son are keeping one of the cigarette companies in business, all by themselves. Goddamn, I've never seen people chain smoke like they do. The dad looks to be my age or a little older and he hacks and coughs all the time. Yeah, that's no indication that there's anything wrong, dad.
Well folks, that'll do it for today. Check back for updates. I may not update every day, but will try. Hey, I'm no Jeff Kay.
Had a couple of buddies over to the house on Saturday evening, just kicking back having a few drinks and grilling some food. My buddy Lou was one of the visitors. Well, Lou has had a few incidents at my house where he seems to forget where the bathrooms in my house are located. This tends to occur in the wee hours of the night, after I have retired to bed and left him alone in the bar to listen to his kind of music and more beer consumption. First off, Lou did not eat anything that we grilled. Warning number one. Secondly, he tends to overdo it with the drinking and he also smokes pot, which I do not participate in. Don't mind if they do, but it's not my thing, so I steer clear of such activities.
Now back to the incidents and Lou. Lou has previously ruined one of my DIRECTV receivers by pissing over/into it. He has also pissed in the floor of the bar and fallen asleep (passed out) merely inches from the puddle. Well, that last incident caused me to give him a warning that I just can't have him marking his territory INSIDE MY DAMN HOUSE!! Both he and Skip stayed over because they had partied a good bit and had no business driving - no problem, I have room for them to stay. Lou apparently had to piss a couple of times during the night. I discovered just where he pissed on Sunday morning when I woke up, went downstairs and found him asleep, LYING IN A PUDDLE OF HIS OWN URINE in the bar floor. I went into the laundry room and grabbed a couple of old towels and went back in and threw them on the puddle and just left him there with it. However, when I was in the laundry room, I just happened to glimpse over to where my cat's litter box is located and noticed a huge spot of piss in the box. Now, Max is a pretty big cat, but he would have had to piss his own body weight in order to produce THAT MUCH PISS. Yep, you guessed it, Lou pissed in Max's litter box. Yeah, he made it to a toilet on a technicality, but seeing as the litter box is less than 10 feet from THE ACTUAL TOILET, makes that technicality claim worthless. So, Lou is now barred from spending the night for a while. From now on, he will have to sleep in his car in the driveway if he gets too carried away.
Question: What makes a large woman feel that it's ok to go out in public (Wal-Mart) without wearing any kind of breast support and a filthy t-shirt? Saw a woman who was nowhere near "fit" walking from the parking lot to the store and her breasticles where pointing due South and ended somewhere between her belly-button and her belt. Friggin' GROSS!! Goddamn lady, put those bastards in some kinda harness next time. I'm gonna throw up just thinking about it.
Speaking of Wal-Mart, what is up with their new store layout? Between the cash registers and where the merchandise actually starts, there is literally enough room to play a regulation game of rugby. Damn, that's a helluva lot of space! I almost felt embarrassed, pushing a cart through that area. I felt like I was on display myself.
Mouse/rat update. I'm pretty sure I've deep-sixed the bastard(s). They have been eating the hell out of the poison I put out and I don't hear shit at night now. Checked this morning and none of it has been touched. So apparently, they've had their "fill".
By the way, my next-door neighbor, his wife and son are keeping one of the cigarette companies in business, all by themselves. Goddamn, I've never seen people chain smoke like they do. The dad looks to be my age or a little older and he hacks and coughs all the time. Yeah, that's no indication that there's anything wrong, dad.
Well folks, that'll do it for today. Check back for updates. I may not update every day, but will try. Hey, I'm no Jeff Kay.
Friday, June 12, 2009
The famous Lou'isms
I have a friend (we'll call him Lou here) who needs absolutely no reason to party hardy. Lou's partying habits stretch back into the mid/late 80's and have not let up one bit since then. Over the years, Lou has come up with some zingers that just stick in your head and make you laugh every time you think of them. For me, they pop up all the time and people around me must wonder if I've lost my marbles or taken a good Depends-shit, because of the grin on my face or simply from the all-out laughter. We have given these quotes a name - Lou'isms. I will describe a few here:
Years ago, a group of my buddies and one particular girl that I had an admiration for, decided to go to the NASCAR spring race in Bristol-1996, I believe. Well, obviously we drank our quota of beer that day, probably more than normal, because the race was rain-delayed several times before the NASCAR officials finally decided to say fukkit. The race was over half-way completed, so NASCAR can do that and their ain't shit you can do about it, other than to boo, yell "y'all suck", then gulp down another Natty Lite before heading back to the car. We had parked in a grassy area, near the drag strip (year's before it was modernized to what it is today). By the time we got back to the van (my dad's nice custom job), the grassy area was now a mud pit. You guessed it, we got stuck in the mud in that heavy-ass van with rear-wheel drive. Well, Lou and another buddy were so stoned, they were barely any help at all getting us "un-stuck". We finally recruited a few good-do'ers to help free us and were finally on our way out of the track area. Driving down an access road, out of nowhere comes a pickup truck up over a knoll, I swerved to avoid hitting him, but the back, right corner of my rear bumper caught the guy's front license plate and ripped that sumbitch from it's housing, flinging it about 20 yards in the process. After a short argument over who was at fault, we decided it was best to just get the hell out of there before they got security involved and we all ended up in the drunk tank in BRISTOL, TENNESSEE!! Things finally settled in, we were headed back up I-81 toward home. Everyone in the van was completely silent, you could have heard a mouse fart it was so quiet. We came upon an 18 wheeler and were passing it when Lou spouts out "Big 18 wheeler...........18 wheels and shit". I don't know why that is so funny, maybe because we were all so tired and the day had gone so shitty, but we laughed our asses off for miles and I'm smiling, thinking about it right now.
Spring forward a few years. WVU is playing Florida State in the Gator Bowl and it's late in the game. WVU is losing and looks as if they will go down to defeat. Needless to say, much drinking has taken place at my apartment while watching said game. Only myself, Lou and another buddy were present. Florida State had been running the ball ALL GAME LONG and the network put up a statistic on the screen showing the yardage gained. The other buddy said "Damn, Florida State has 318 yards rushing!!". Shortly thereafter, Lou answers "On the ground!!". Laughed my ass off. Like where the hell else were they going to gain 318 yard RUSHING????
Fast forward to this past summer, 2008. My brother, Skip, Lou and myself all go to race weekend at Bristol. We have tickets for all of the races. Get there on Thursday and go home Sunday. Throughout the weekend, there were tons of activities going on near the track. Lots of vendors, interactive stuff and TV crews taping segments for racing shows. One particular afternoon we were wondering around the grounds and I noticed a lady who was trying to get people to register for a chance to win a boat. Me, my brother and Skip all kinda avoided making eye contact with her, but poor Lou, she got holt of him, asking him if he would like to register for a chance to win this boat. Without any hesitation whatsoever, Lou replied to her "Nah, ain't got no water". The puzzled look on the woman's face was priceless! She came back to him with a "well, I guess you really do have problems then". Too. Damn. Funny!!
There are others that I'm sure would fit this rant, but I'll save those for another day, once they are recalled from storage and into my current memory cache.
Y'all have a great day now, ya hear !!
Years ago, a group of my buddies and one particular girl that I had an admiration for, decided to go to the NASCAR spring race in Bristol-1996, I believe. Well, obviously we drank our quota of beer that day, probably more than normal, because the race was rain-delayed several times before the NASCAR officials finally decided to say fukkit. The race was over half-way completed, so NASCAR can do that and their ain't shit you can do about it, other than to boo, yell "y'all suck", then gulp down another Natty Lite before heading back to the car. We had parked in a grassy area, near the drag strip (year's before it was modernized to what it is today). By the time we got back to the van (my dad's nice custom job), the grassy area was now a mud pit. You guessed it, we got stuck in the mud in that heavy-ass van with rear-wheel drive. Well, Lou and another buddy were so stoned, they were barely any help at all getting us "un-stuck". We finally recruited a few good-do'ers to help free us and were finally on our way out of the track area. Driving down an access road, out of nowhere comes a pickup truck up over a knoll, I swerved to avoid hitting him, but the back, right corner of my rear bumper caught the guy's front license plate and ripped that sumbitch from it's housing, flinging it about 20 yards in the process. After a short argument over who was at fault, we decided it was best to just get the hell out of there before they got security involved and we all ended up in the drunk tank in BRISTOL, TENNESSEE!! Things finally settled in, we were headed back up I-81 toward home. Everyone in the van was completely silent, you could have heard a mouse fart it was so quiet. We came upon an 18 wheeler and were passing it when Lou spouts out "Big 18 wheeler...........18 wheels and shit". I don't know why that is so funny, maybe because we were all so tired and the day had gone so shitty, but we laughed our asses off for miles and I'm smiling, thinking about it right now.
Spring forward a few years. WVU is playing Florida State in the Gator Bowl and it's late in the game. WVU is losing and looks as if they will go down to defeat. Needless to say, much drinking has taken place at my apartment while watching said game. Only myself, Lou and another buddy were present. Florida State had been running the ball ALL GAME LONG and the network put up a statistic on the screen showing the yardage gained. The other buddy said "Damn, Florida State has 318 yards rushing!!". Shortly thereafter, Lou answers "On the ground!!". Laughed my ass off. Like where the hell else were they going to gain 318 yard RUSHING????
Fast forward to this past summer, 2008. My brother, Skip, Lou and myself all go to race weekend at Bristol. We have tickets for all of the races. Get there on Thursday and go home Sunday. Throughout the weekend, there were tons of activities going on near the track. Lots of vendors, interactive stuff and TV crews taping segments for racing shows. One particular afternoon we were wondering around the grounds and I noticed a lady who was trying to get people to register for a chance to win a boat. Me, my brother and Skip all kinda avoided making eye contact with her, but poor Lou, she got holt of him, asking him if he would like to register for a chance to win this boat. Without any hesitation whatsoever, Lou replied to her "Nah, ain't got no water". The puzzled look on the woman's face was priceless! She came back to him with a "well, I guess you really do have problems then". Too. Damn. Funny!!
There are others that I'm sure would fit this rant, but I'll save those for another day, once they are recalled from storage and into my current memory cache.
Y'all have a great day now, ya hear !!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Insomnia Mouse
I apparently have a mouse or rat attempting to access my attic and/or the guts to my house. I live within 100 yards of the river and have lived at this particular location for about 4 years. I bought the house and the people who lived there before me had large dogs that they kept in the back yard and apparently the river rats took a liking to the brand of dog food they were being served. So, initial rat problem discovered.
I made a visit to the area's top feed and seed store to purchase the best rat implosion chemicals they could supply me with. Initially, I put out two separate "feeding" locations and after about 6 weeks, noticed that they were no longer dining on the stuff. But, the crickets were! I'd go outside at night and shine a light on one of the feeding boxes and it would be completely covered with long-legged crickets (probably how they got such long legs to start with). Anyway, I figured after that ordeal, the problem was over with. Until a few nights ago, when I started hearing a scratching/clawing sound coming from the back wall of the house, which is where my sleeping quarters are located. I thought maybe it was a cat on the back porch, clawing the outdoor carpet, but it wasn't. So, Mickey is apparently gaining access to an upper area of the house and is insisting on moving in and having me pay the feed bill for him and his group of Speedy Gonzalez's. So, another trip to the feed and seed store is in order to get this shit correct right now.
I would like to try out some of those glue traps though. In my warped sense, seeing a mouse run in place for hours as his tail is affixed to the glue trap, might bring me a little pleasure, especially since the little bastard has woken me up several times per night the past few nights.
I'll keep you all posted on the results, if they are exciting enough to write about.
I made a visit to the area's top feed and seed store to purchase the best rat implosion chemicals they could supply me with. Initially, I put out two separate "feeding" locations and after about 6 weeks, noticed that they were no longer dining on the stuff. But, the crickets were! I'd go outside at night and shine a light on one of the feeding boxes and it would be completely covered with long-legged crickets (probably how they got such long legs to start with). Anyway, I figured after that ordeal, the problem was over with. Until a few nights ago, when I started hearing a scratching/clawing sound coming from the back wall of the house, which is where my sleeping quarters are located. I thought maybe it was a cat on the back porch, clawing the outdoor carpet, but it wasn't. So, Mickey is apparently gaining access to an upper area of the house and is insisting on moving in and having me pay the feed bill for him and his group of Speedy Gonzalez's. So, another trip to the feed and seed store is in order to get this shit correct right now.
I would like to try out some of those glue traps though. In my warped sense, seeing a mouse run in place for hours as his tail is affixed to the glue trap, might bring me a little pleasure, especially since the little bastard has woken me up several times per night the past few nights.
I'll keep you all posted on the results, if they are exciting enough to write about.
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